Social
Toolbox Techniques
Humans are designed to be social. When we lived in hunter-gatherer societies it was critical to our survival. If we didn't get along with others, it could mean being kicked out of the group and having a low chance of surviving on our own. While our lives look very different today, our need for belonging, friendship and connection remains at the centre of our wellbeing.
On this page, we've included tools to help you build and maintain healthy relationships:
GIVE Healthy Relationships
The GIVE acronym is used as way of communicating calmly and effectively. GIVE benefits your own self-esteem by treating others with respect, especially in difficult situations. It also leads to more positive self-respect and consequently positive self-image.
GIVE means be Gentle, Act Interested, Validate and use an Easy manner.
G - Gentle: Be respectful and kind. Avoid using threats, blaming, sarcasm, or judging. Do not resort to aggressive or manipulative behaviors, and skip judgmental body language (like eye-rolling or sneering).
I - Interested: Listen to the other person’s perspective completely. Make direct eye contact, put away distractions, and do not interrupt or talk over them. Show that you are actively engaged.
V - Validate: Acknowledge their feelings, opinions, and wishes. Try to see the world from their side and let them know that their emotions and reactions make sense, even if you don't necessarily agree with their stance.
E - Easy Manner: Approach the interaction with a laid-back, diplomatic tone. Use a little humor if it fits the situation, smile, and try to ease the tension instead of escalating it
Listen to Dr. Shireen Rizvi from the DBT Skills from Experts channel describe how to use GIVE. She’s a director at the Montefiore Medical Center.
Assertion & I-statements
Assertion is getting your needs across while respecting others. It is instead of being aggressive or passively letting them get their way. It operates from the basis of 'I'm okay and you're okay'.
Making I-statements is the basis of being assertive. An ‘I statement’ means owning your opinions, being direct, respectful and not blaming others.
You do this by instead of using you statements such as “You hurt me by always being late.” using an I-statement "I feel hurt when you are often late”.
Instead of describing your opinion as fact “Working in this place is impossible, no-one pulls their finger out and the company is going down the drain”, own your feelings “I find it really difficult working here, I think that some things don't get done that need to be done and I'm worried about the future of the organisation”.
And instead of disguising questions as statements, ““When are we going to make a decision?”, make a statement of what you want “Let’s make a decision now”.
Watch Unju from the The Counselling Group PL being assertive.
Using I Statements for Constructive Criticism
Constructive criticism is feedback aimed at improving others behaviour. It treats both people with respect. It provides specific suggestions rather than just pointing out faults.
Here is a formula for providing constructive criticism.
A. Describe how you felt, or the effect what they did had on you. Make it an observation not a conclusion about what they are, feel or think. “I felt… A (feeling)”
B. Give a specific description of what they did or said. Avoid using the phrase ‘I feel that…’ as it’s a thought not a feeling. “when you did… B (behaviour)”,
C. Saywhat it is that you object to or the consequences it had. “because of… C (reasons)”
D. Saywhat you would like them to do or would have preferred to happen. “and I would like you to… D (alternative behaviour)”.
Example: “When you don’t finish our group project on time, I feel taken for granted because I want to do well on this. I would prefer that we could stick to the assigned timeline.”
Unju from the The Counselling Group PL shows how to do it.
Active Listening
A super effective way to build healthy relationships is learning to listen. It shows respect, fosters empathy and reduces conflict. It can even understand diverse viewpoints you may not have got otherwise.
To listening actively, do these four things.
Give your undivided attention. Block out any background noise or other distractions. Allow them to speak without interruption.
Follow their story. Focus on what they are saying. Do this by picking out the key points of their story. Repeat them back to yourself. Listen for both what is happening and how they feel. Encourage them to continue with small comments like yes, uh-huh, or maybe just a nod of the head. Avoid thinking of your opinion or your answer until they have finished talking.
Summarise the key points of what they said. Begin by using a phrase like, "this is what I heard" and "I think this is what you meant". Allow them to clarify any points you may have misjudged.
Avoid. Listen don’t think: Don’t judge, advise, or criticize. Don’t be thinking about what you’re going to say next. Concentrate on what they’re saying. These things stop you from listening.
Katie Owen’s short TED talk shows you how to do it.
How to Make Friends
There isn't really a scientific method to making friends, so we're sharing a few videos that have some good practical tips for making friends.
How some friendships last — and others don’t
A video from Ted-Ed.
Key points:
- Others like you more than you think
- Go into social situations assuming the best
- Build closeness to build friendships, spend time together, share your interests and talk
- Communicate problems in the friendship
How to Make Friends
A video from YouTuber Sisyphus 55
Key points:
- Treat making friends as a goal
- Loneliness is a self-fulfilling prophecy
- Go into social situations assuming people want to talk to you
- You need to consistently put yourself into social situations to make friends
Becoming social is easy, actually
A video from YouTuber Easy, Actually. This video has specific tips for starting social interactions.
How to Never Run Out of Things to Say
A video from the Smartish Stuff YouTube Channel. For more tips on keeping conversations going.
Key points:
- Ask intentional questions
- Listen more than you speak
- Find common ground
Small Talk - How to Start a Conversation - Tips and Tricks (animated)
A video from the Better Than Yesterday YouTube Channel.
Key points:
- Small talk is the first step to deeper conversations and friendships. It helps people feel comfortable.
- Share small details about yourself instead of giving one-word answers. This gives the other person something to respond to.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Listen properly instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.
- Build on what the other person says. Ask follow-up questions or comment on their interests to keep the conversation going.
- Use your surroundings for conversation ideas.
- Talk about something happening around you if you’re unsure what to say.
- Practice helps. Small talk is a skill, not something people are simply born good at.